Amebo Pulse: Hurricane Tonto Dikeh Hits London, Tunde Ednut Burial Rites -

But then, I am ambitious, being a doctor gets boring, so my next aim is to be a king, King Amebo, ruler of Gossipdom, Olofofo 1 of Ajegunle, the once and future gossiper, come to unite the various minds of Nigerians. Let’s go there! Action

Hurricane Tonto Hits Us Hard!

Forgive me people, but right from the day my mama decided to release me into this world, naked and crying, I knew one thing. I was in love with Tonto Dikeh. For in love did my mother conceive me. So growing up was crazy because since I be fine boy, all those small girls wey never reach puberty bin dey beg me to just say hi to them. But I shun them, waiting patiently for the day when Tonto, my queen in acting armour will come riding in a Keke Napep, singing wack songs about her undying love for my bald head (it’s better than Banky W’s). So you can understand it when I say that she moves like angels ought to move (angels of dark…I no follow o). Ahem.

I have written plenty of grammer about how yeye her songs are. Let’s be honest, the girl no sabi sing, but we are trusting God for a miracle that will transform her vocal chords into that of Onyeka Owenu. Other actors wey get small sense go first try out their singing for all those romantic bullshit films. Those films where dey go climb tree, then sing one dirty song, preferably Ibo songs, because when you mix ‘Ahurum gi n’anya, nkem, obi mu, nwanne, and give them to Saint Obi, Tony Umez, Emeka Ike, Jim Iyke, and Kenneth Okonkwo, the possibilities becomes endless at 51 Iweka road, Onitsha.

But Tonto no gree hear. She refused to act in all those films because she’s a classy chick. Wetin concern Lekki chick and firewood? She went straight into singing. But recently, she has been a good girl, behaving herself and keeping her privates to where it belongs: in her house. No twitter fight, no naked picture, no pictures on instagram, no weed smoking, nothing. Amebo was worried, thinking that she had become born again and died from a severe case of being ignored, until last week, when she drink that her ogogoro, the girl appear everyhere. Sit back, relax, as I drop the tori

First she grabbed her 2 dogs. In case you didn’t know, Tonto doesn’t do humans only she also does dogs. Not boyfriends o, she also has dogfriends. Nkita and Ekuke…whatever.

Seeing how much she loved her dogfriends, she decided to immortalize them, not by building them statues or opening a twitter account for them, she simply decided to give herself a tattoo of their faces.

Too bad, I was thinking she was also going paint my name too on her body. Preferably her tiny waist or her left butt. And I want it like this.

XOXO King Of My Voice, Amebo Pulse, XOXO

On her waist! But she no gree. She loves her dogs. Better than she loves me bald head. And I want you all to know that it's not my fault. I’m sexy and I know it.

Next thing she did was to chill out looking like Micheal Jackson, and I have no problem with that other than that this picture.

That’s me behind her, taking a picture of her butt and following it like a dog. (she prefers them over boys, remember?)

Finally, as if that wasn’t enough, Tonto decided to celebrate her birthday, (birthday, being anyday wey she find a maga to sponsor it). This time she found Cokobar in London, and then they decided to host her at their night club. Nice but before she went to the airport, she uploaded this picture,

Business class pass, shades, passport…good girl. But then this picture came too.

Business class pass, shades, passport… and weed! Bad girl. U wan smoke weed to go high. Why you no allow the plane take you high? Instead you decided to beg Terry G for some ganja. Ganja wey go make you ginjah!

Finally she flew off to London, the plane flew high into the cloud, Tonto smoked high into the cloud too. Double highness.

So in lieu of the following proceedings I decided to write her my letter:

Dear Tonto my Nkem,

Me love you. Stop smokey smokey. No dey blow ganjah. Your name no be claro. Leave dogs, follow man, and most importantly accept your fate. No be everybody go sing. Acting fit you.And finally, Marry me. I love you, talk your own.

Tunde HeadNut The Mad Babalawo

Nuts! I’ve always liked the sound of that word. But the firsttime I heard it, it was from my busybody teacher who told me I was bush for drinking garri and Palm Kernel. What does she know? Other than to teach me the multiplication table and flog my small yansh, she knew nothing. Does she know how many people survive on Palm Kernel? It’s food for the gods. Amadioha, Sango, …all of them had Palm kernel every week. Your grandfather also did. And she what a strong intelligent grandchild he had. But then the nut family grew. Kolanut, groundnut, coconut joined in and finally, madness too. People who are nuts, are mad. Simple!

So when you hear a name that sounds like this, Tunde EdNut, you’re not supposed to expect much because people who are Nuts are mad! But since he’s not a superstar, let me introduce him: Tunde the Nut guy, was a comedian who grew envious of Tonto Dikeh’s reverse success in music, and decided to join in it. He released a song about waists and clubs, like all madmen sing these days, and then decided to confirm it with this video.

Well for the benefit of those of you who couldn’t watch the video due to the 3 hand cotonou-used tokunbo phone wey una dey use, I decree that God’s breakthrough will not pass you by. But in the mean time, the video can be summarized in this picture.

More than a thousand words.

Yes! Those are grown men, hungry men, buried in the sand and waving like Wili Wili. While The Nut guy dey baff inside tub, with his suit on. I wanted to start attacking, but then other citizens of Amebo Kingdom get mouth too, make them talk first.

Ahem. Na my turn now.

Tunde Nut, I know you’ve heard the word creativity, but na people children, and if you check well, people fathers, wey you bury inside ground. You no get conscience? You give them 20K, and then dig ground put them inside, then tell them to dey wave like lepers wey devil don reject. You don’t want to use girls, big yansh, Hennessey, I feel you. Do that and we no go complain. But burying 4 grown men inside sand? God dey. I can categorically state that satan is writing your name on his favourite list right now.

As for the 4 of una wey collect 20K then enter ground begin wave, God is on your case. Your miracle is on the way. Una go hammer, drive hummer, and bounce through the streets like say nothing happen. Illiteracy bad o!

Finally for the fans, I only have one word for you. ATTACK Tunde EdNut! Witchhunt The Babalawo.

Until next week jare. Don’t forget to drop your comments, because I might just fall in love with you. And since Amebo is a king now, start your comments with Dear King Amebo. Thanks.

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